God’s Promise. Lyrics by Woody Guthrie. Music by Ellis Paul
I didn’t promise you skies painted blue
Not all colored flowers all your days through
I didn’t promise you, sun with no rain
Joys without sorrows, peace without pain.
All that I promise is strength for this day,
Rest for my worker, and light on your way.
I give you truth when you need it, my help from above,
Undying friendship, my unfailing love.
As a Dad one of the hardest things to deal with is seeing pain in your family. If I can keep my family out of harms way I will try my hardest to keep them safe. However sometimes things are completely out of our control.
On July 4th Allison and I were overjoyed to find out that we were pregnant again. We had been trying for a while and seeing a positive pregnancy test was wonderful.
Fast forward a few months to September 11. On September 11, I was on a flight home from London as Allison received some very difficult news at an ultrasound. While it was unavoidable that I could not be there I do feel major guilt for not being with her as she went from that one ultrasound to another with a Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist . The initial ultrasound showed a cystic hygroma, a collection of fluid at the base of the baby’s neck. However that specialist was not able to give her much more information until she had an amnio done.
At those appointments the doctor told Allison that he thought that the baby may have Turner’s Syndrome, a condition in which the fetus only has one sex chromosome (XO as opposed to XX or XY). In that case if the baby made it to term, she would have a high likelihood of cardiac issues or kidney issues, most likely have fertility issues and probably be short of stature, but would otherwise be “normal.”
With news like that it became a very difficult time emotionally for our family. However, we are blessed with amazing family and friends who prayed very hard for the safety and well being of our Itty Bitty (as Allison called the baby)
I was feeling horrible on the morning of the 14th and I posted an update to Facebook “has had some emotionally trying couple of days. Would like to thank Mr and Mrs Neil and MoTarpey for their support and friendship. Playing this one close to the vest for a while peeps, sorry.” I couldn’t say much about this at the time wanted to keep everything quiet until we knew more. I was emotionally charged with doubt and worry and fear. I needed to get something out there as blogging is my release and I have made so many fantastic friends doing this. So my theme song became “If You’re Going Through Hell…Keep on Going” by Rodney Atkins. That made me feel better and helped me turn around my mood.
On September 15 we went to the specialist and went through with an amnio. This was a very scary moment for us the waiting, speculating and wondering. Fear set in for all of us. You know that point where your mind starts to worry about all the possibilities and then don’t even get started about looking at information online, that really got use going crazy. So we waited for the results from the quick test.
On September 18 we heard the quick test results from the doctor. He told us that the results of the quick test show that the baby does not have Turner’s syndrome, Trisomy13, Trisomy18 or Trisomy21 (Down Syndrome). However, they are still very concerned about the size of the cystic hygroma and feel that it means that this pregnancy is not compatible with life.
We now had to wait another 10 days to get the full analysis of the baby’s DNA analysis. So on September 29 we spoke with the doctor again and the fully chromosomal analysis shows that the baby is chromosomally normal. That was a great relief to us and we began to start to feel excited about this pregnancy. However, the fact that a cystic hygroma exists at all was of great concern to the doctor. So, we were still not entirely out of the woods. Our next ultrasound was scheduled on 10/9 and we would see how things look then. We remained cautiously optimistic.
This brings us today. This morning we had our ultrasound and unfortunately received bad news; the baby no longer has a heartbeat.
I was there this time and I actually feel lucky to be there to share that moment of tragedy with Allison. It know that sounds really weird but if I was not there I would not have been able to forgive myself.
We are devastated by this news, but are trying to be comforted by the thought that this is obviously what is best for the baby and our family. We just have to put our faith in God that there is a reason that our family is going through this experience.
We cannot begin to express how grateful we are for the support of our wonderful friends during this exceptionally difficult time. Your prayers and thoughts have supported us through the past four weeks and we know they will continue to carry us through the coming weeks.
Drew and Allison
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