are both rude and annoying this morning. I am at the Tallahassee airport (free wi-fi, cool I can vent for free.) this morning. I just came through security. When I say that this is a small airport I mean haircare and tire store municipal airport small (okay maybe not that small but it only has about 10 gates.) So I am in the security line and genius #1 is trying to stuff his bag into those grey boxes. PEOPLE the grey boxes are for laptops, not your oversized bag that should have been checked in the first place. Then the genius #2 in front of me can’t get her stuff together in a timely manner so I politely wait for her to compose her pile of junk. As I am stepping up to the table to perform my ritual of efficiency and amazing security line skill and another woman cuts right in front of me. WHAT! Excuse me! Hell no you did not just cut me you snitty witch. We’re the only four people in line was there a need for you to get through security half a second faster? Honestly the first plane doesn’t leave here for another 30 minutes. I am so annoyed.

So here are some airline tips for you.

1.) Get to the airport early, your lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on my part. That goes for anything in life plan or get left behind.
2.) use some decorum people, don’t be rude snotty or complain about the security line. This is a fact of life, deal with it. Besides I don’t want to hear you.
3.) Read the signs. The security line is not difficult, there are big signs with pictures everywhere, look at them.
4.) Get ready to go through the metal detector. Take everything, EVERYTHING! Out of your pockets. I’m gonna lose my mind the next time I wait behind someone who sets the metal detector off like a Vegas slot machine for five minutes before they finally realize that the set of keys in their pocket set off the detector. If this is you then you should get a full cavity search and maybe the TSA official might find your brain in one of your cavities, you know the one.
5.) Don’t cut, not even Chinese cuts from back in grade school, it was rude then, it is rude now.
6.) If you have a complaint about something and are going to write a letter to the airport, do that. Don’t tell me about it I do not care. Shut up and write the dang letter. Actually don’t complain at all, your complaintss aren’t original and your whiny voice isn’t pleasant to listen to.

So if you follow these simple rules you most likely won’t piss me off, too much. And our flights will be a positive experience.